The Trouble With Cosmo
by Aphrodite2
Summary: With the misguided help of the magazine Cosmo and her friends, Usagi sets out to spice up her marriage with Mamoru.


The trouble with Cosmo.

This is a story I thought (and hope) will be funny. It's supposed to be, and I know these things most likely wouldn't happen, even though I could see them happening. I really hope you enjoy the read and laugh a lot!

WARNING: I do not own Sailor Moon, I do not own Cosmopolitan, I do not own anything in here you recognize but on a happier note I do now own the Manga of Fruits Basket. Well a copy of them, not them themselves.

* * *

At twenty three Tuskino-Chiba, Usagi thought she had it, life, all figured out. She was married to a great guy, had great friends and knew one day would have a daughter she loved. Today though, Usagi sat in the dentist office waiting for her bi-yearly cleaning. 'An award winning smile can get you far in life', she thought as she tapped her foot to the lame mellow music that was being pumped throughout the waiting room. 'The nurse had said it was going to be a little bit of a wait, let's see what there is to read.' She started flipping through the magazines in the rack, quickly by-passing the TIMES, WALSTREET JOURNAL, and NEWSWEEK. Finally coming to the good stuff she was busy deciding on last month's Cosmo or last month's Vanity Fair. An article on the cover of Cosmo caught her attention.

'Is Your Guy Happy at Home? 10 Sure Fire Ways to Keep Him Interested in the Bedroom'

Intrigued Usagi picked up the magazine, flipping through the pages until she found the article. Slowly she became immersed in her reading and all sounds from the waiting room seemed to cease. She sat in the mostly full waiting room staring at an American magazine with her face in a gapping O.

"Chiba, USAGI." Usagi jolted out of her trance and jumped up. The nurse standing in the doorway that led back to the dentist area.

"Here, I'm here, sorry." Usagi laid the magazine back in the rack and sent it a confused look before following the nurse out of the room and into the back.

Two hours later Usagi left the dentist office. Her check up was great, it always was but that wasn't what was on her mind that day. She thought back to the article, some of the things they suggested, who would do that? Usagi shook her head, it didn't matter anyways, her and Mamoru's relationship was solid, she didn't need any of those tips anyways. In fact Usagi suddenly felt like she had to prove her and Mamoru were as hot as ever in the bedroom. How dare a magazine tell her otherwise, not withstanding that the magazine had said no such thing, by this point Usagi felt like it had insulted her.

She squared up her shoulders and marched home, intent on seducing her husband that night, without any of the suggestions of that magazine.

* * *

Usagi reached home and went to word. She decided to light some candles. She thought taper would best but couldn't find any in the apartment. She searched until she found some yellow fat candles in a jar. It had a funny smell to it but she figured it would work anyways. She set those around the living room, carefully lighting them with the lighter she bought on her way home. Mamoru hides the ones in the apartment, he doesn't trust Usagi with fire too much. Next she decided she needed some music. She flipped through the CD's and found a mixed CD she guessed Mamoru had made. 'While if my Mamo-chan made it, it's got to be perfect' and threw it in the CD player.

Finally she decided to get dressed for the evening. She flipped threw her closet and went through her drawers but couldn't decide what to wear. Finally she decided on a white nightgown. Now she had to figure out what she was ordering for dinner, she wasn't the best cook so generally if Mamoru was working late she would order dinner for them from a takeout place. Now a days you can get anything delivered. She flipped through the takeout menus in the kitchen drawer, ordered some burgers, sautéed mushrooms and onions, and a side of onion rings, Mamoru's favorite.

Once the food arrived she ate her half and put Mamoru's up for later. Moving into the living room she sat down on the couch to wait for Mamoru to come home. Finally at 10 past eleven the apartment door opened. Usagi checked to make sure the candles were still lit and got the remote to the stereo player. Mamoru walked into the living room his head buried in some papers.

Usagi slid up to him, "Hey Mamo-chan! Welcome home!" She smiled widely and tried to plant a kiss on Mamoru but he had moved at the same moment and Usagi landed with a thud on the floor. She went to instinctively wail loudly but kept herself in check; wailing certainly wasn't sexy.

Mamoru was sniffing the air, and glancing around he sighed. "Usa-ko where why do you have citronella candles lit inside? There are no bugs in here." He went around the room blowing the candles out one by one. "And just where did you get a lighter? You remember what happened the last time you used a lot of candles."

"I know Mamo-chan but I made extra care not to set them anywhere near a curtain or table cloth. Or my hair. I pinned it back see, isn't it pretty?" She batted her eye lashes at Mamoru, but he wasn't looking at her but turning to the kitchen for dinner. She huffed out a breath; this was NOT going the way she had planned. When Mamoru returned back with his burger and rings he sat on the sofa and began to eat. Usagi waited till he was done eating and set his plate down. She took the radio's remote and pushed play.

_I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other brothers can't deny, when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face, you get sprung_

"Oh God oh God" Usagi kept pushing the forward button on the remote

_Let's talk about sex baby, let's talk about you and me._ 'Forward button forward button'

_Ice Ice baby_. _'What is this?'_

Finally she managed to find the stop button and the radio cut off leaving the apartment in a pregnant silence. Mamoru was looking at her life she had grown a second head and at this point she felt like she had. She was just too tired to try any more. "What was that that CD? It's the worst CD I have ever heard."

"Friends of mine in America made it for me. It's like a gag CD. The songs are old pop hits and what not. Well I am tired; I had a long day Usagi. Love ya." He got up and placed an absent kiss on her head as he headed into the bedroom.

Usagi blew her bangs out of her eyes, this was not the way she had planned the evening to end up, let alone go. Perhaps that article had something to it; maybe she needed to spice up her relationship.

* * *

The next morning Usagi tore into the dentist office and flipped carelessly through the magazines there. She couldn't find the magazine; she glanced around the waiting room. THERE on the table where that lady was looking for a magazine. Usagi made a beeline to the table, hoping to grab the object but the lady picked it up and settled down to read. Usagi growled in frustration. She couldn't remember everything in the article and needed it if she was to woe her husband back into her bed, Usagi waited patiently, sort of, before the receptionist walked into the room and asked Usagi if she needed any help. Slowly she shook her head no and cast a forlorn look to the magazine before walking slowly out of the building empty handed.

'I am just going to have to find another way to do it. I could ask my friends what they do. That's a good idea. Let's go and see Makoto.' And Usagi made her way down the street whistling slightly.

* * *

Makoto was taking a batch of cookies out of the oven when someone began to bang on her apartment door. Sighing she sat the hot sheet on top of the stove and moved into the living room. She opened her door to a sheepish Usagi. "Hey bunny, what's going on?"

Usagi shrugged, "I, uh, I wanted your help with a little problem I am having. Can I come in?" Makoto stepped to the side and gestured Usagi inside. Usagi slid inside and stepped out of her shoes and into a pink pair of house shoes from the closet that Makoto keeps there just for her. She nervously shuffled from foot to foot.

"Come on back to the kitchen. I am making some cookies for the bakery" Usagi smiled brightly and followed Makoto in a bright yellow and sage green kitchen. Makoto motioned for Usagi to sit and she went and picked up the sheet of cookies and removed the cookies from the pan and onto a cooling rack. She spooned up some more batter and placed it into 12 spots on the cookie sheet. Slipping it into the oven she got down two tall glasses, placed some already cooled cookies on a plate and got out a carton of milk. She brought all of that to the table before sitting down to listen to Usagi. "Ok Usa what can I help you with?"

Usagi was glad that Makoto had given her a few minutes to collect her thoughts. Picking up a cookie and pouring herself a glass of milk, Usagi answered, "Well I was wondering. Has Nephrite ever, or has it seemed that he wasn't interested in you, like in the bedroom?" Makoto's mouth hung open.

"Usagi Mamoru is totally still interested with you, how could you think he wasn't?" Usagi's face reddened and she sputtered out her reply.

"Well I thought he was but then I was reading this magazine at the dentist office and it said men get bored in the bedroom fast. And I thought not my Mamo-chan but when he got home, no matter what I did he wasn't interested. He just ate dinner, kissed my head and went to bed."

Makoto thought for a minute. "Well Nephrite and I haven't had that problem, but every once in awhile when I set out to do something, I make him a dinner that is great to eat in bed, and alright to eat if it gets cold first. Men love it when you cook for them, makes them feel all masculine. So try cooking Mamoru dinner by yourself tonight. I can give you a lesson today; this is my last batch of cookies."

Usagi smiled widely and her eyes twinkled merrily. "Okay, let's do it!"

"Okay Usagi lets do grilled cheese! Its great cold and good to eat in bed, also fairly simple to make."

Usagi's face fell, "grilled cheese? I was thinking something that adults eat, not third graders."

Makoto raised her eyebrows, "Usa, you set the house on fire making scrambled eggs. Easy does it for the first time out. And besides this is me, these will be no ordinary grilled cheese sandwiches. We are going to mix Ricotta cheese, fresh Parm, fresh mozzarella, basil, sage, salt and pepper. This is your cheese. Now we are going to cute four THICK slices of Italian bread. In a little bowl we are going to add softened butter, grated garlic, and some basil. Now we are going to butter one side of the bread with this. Now turn the griddle on, just on medium, we want to cook them slowly. Once it's hot we are going to put two pieces down and add a decent amount onto the two pieces, add the tops. After 5 minutes flip them and cook for 4 more minutes. Plate them. You should put some grapes and strawberries on the plate to. It will be perfect. Here these ones are done, try it."

Usagi took the sandwich and took a tentative bite; it was after all just a grilled cheese sandwich. The sandwich melted in her mouth. "Oh my god, this is wicked good! And I think I could make this. Thank you so much."

"Well you can take what's left of the mixed cheese and the butter. You will have to get another loaf of Italian bread and the grapes and strawberries. Also I would grab a bottle of wine, candles too; well maybe not candles. Dim the lights some though. NO TV. Have everything in the room waiting. AND call me tomorrow morning when he leaves for work."

Usagi grinned and gathered up everything she needed to head out. Goodbyes and a mad rush to the store later Usagi found herself at home. She carefully set everything she needed out on the counter. Digging under her sink she found her griddle. She set it on top of the stove and searched for the cord. 'Not in the drawer, under the sink, or in the cabinets. Oh my Goddess, Where is it?' Usagi spent over an hour searching the house for the cord; finally locating the elusive object in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. Shrugging her shoulders, Usagi made her way back to the kitchen.

Finally plugging the griddle in Usagi carefully turned it on medium and went to cute the bread. Painfully slow Usagi slowly cut the bread and buttered it. She sighed deeply, 'Okay so far so good.' Now she checked the heat on the griddle, by touching it. 'Oh shit that hurt.' Flipping the cold water on Usagi stuck her hand under the running water. With her free hand she pulled out a bottle of aloe and set it next to the sink. She kept her hand under the water for five minutes before pulling it out and applied the cool aloe onto the burn. Getting out thin gauze out she applied one thin layer on the burn and returned to the kitchen. Usagi managed to get everything else finished with no more incidents. Placing the tray onto the nightstand Usagi skimmed the room. Everything looked good. Now all she had to do was wait; luckily it wasn't a long wait for her.

Mamoru arrived home shortly after Usagi finished setting up. "Hey Usa-ko. Hope your day was good." Mamoru absently placed a kiss on Usagi's lips. "What's for dinner?"

"It's in the bedroom Mamo-chan. I thought we could eat in there tonight."

Mamoru smiled at Usagi. "That's perfect, it's almost like you can read my mind. I am so tired I could just collapse in bed and sleep for a week." Usagi moved into the bedroom behind Mamoru. She smiled as he picked up the sandwich. Stuffing about half of it into his mouth, he chewed for a while, his cheeks puffed out like a chipmunk. Finally he swallowed, "wow Usa this is great!"

Usagi smiled, "Thanks, I will be right back, go ahead and finish eating." Usagi entered into the bathroom. She quickly slipped off her nightgown and into a white slip. She released her hair from their normal meatballs and let her hair flow down her back. Grabbing the hair brush she made sure her hair lost the normal bump from having it up all day. After she brushed her teeth and used some mouth wash she made her way into the bedroom to find…

Mamoru completely asleep, still dressed in his scrubs. She threw her hands up in disgust. "What in the hell, I mean really. Come on, obviously Makoto doesn't know what she is talking about. Food in the bedroom. Honestly" Storming off, muttering to herself, she made her way around the apartment, forcefully throwing away the remains of the eaten dinner. Grabbing the unopened bottle of wine Usagi plopped herself in front of the TV and turned on Titanic, finally falling asleep 2 hours into the movie and three cups into the bottle.

* * *

The next morning, or afternoon really Usagi groggily got up and dragged herself to the shower. Two hours later and a large pot of coffee and Usagi was finally ready to leave for the day, and her stop for the day was Tokyo University Library. She knew Ami went there after her morning classes to study for a couple of hours before she had a late class on Wednesdays. Usagi browsed the aisles slowly, not taking in or understand most of it. She kept towards the front doors, keeping a watchful eye out for Ami with her peripheral vision. Ami made her way into the building and started to climb the stairs that lead to the study rooms. Usagi swiftly followed her and tapped Ami's should just before she reached the top landing.

Ami jumped backwards, and had Usagi not been standing behind her, to stop her backwards motion, she would have tumbled back down the stairs. "Chiba, Usagi! Have you lost your mind? I could have seriously been hurt! What are you doing here?"

Usagi, once again looked sheepish, "Sorry Ames, I just need your help with something. Can we talk for a few minutes?" Ami nodded and motioned towards the third study room.

"This room is generally empty on Wednesdays. Most people here develop a study routine and know who uses these rooms on what days. That's not so much to be counted on during exams and finals. But as you can see, we are good today." Ami swung her large backpack on the table and began to pull out books and accessories. "Go ahead and start telling me what's wrong well I set up."

Usagi explained everything that had happened since she went to the dentist office two days ago. Ami after finishing taking out her books and maliciously placing them and her paper, pens, highlighters, pencils and calculator in very specific spots on the table listened very closely to what Usagi was saying.

"And so now I want your help. You and Zoicite are solid and there never seems to be any doubt between you two. Please help me."

Ami slowly pushed her glasses back up her nose. "I would first like to say that I think you are reading too much into Mamoru's actions right now. Being an intern surgeon is hard work. And Second I would like to know, why you didn't go to Minako first? She is the Goddess of love; I would think she would be your first stop."

Usagi shuddered slightly, "I will answer that this way Ames, would you want to do what Minako would suggest in the bedroom? You have heard her stories. And second, she is the only one not in a committed relationship, I want to keep someone interested forever not for tonight."

"Good point. Okay. I am not sure what to tell you though Usagi. I love Zoicite but I don't do anything special. You and Mamoru have been together such a long time, there is bound to be dry spots. Just keep trying and you will see."

"I need something Ames, anything you can think of."

Ami thought for a few moments while absently arranging her pens and sharpies in order by size and color. "Well you could always try and stand and true method. You can wear nothing but then wrap yourself in plastic wrap. That's one of those ones you kind of grow up hearing. Its fail proof."

"Well I can do that! That's easier than cooking. Thanks for listening to me. Love ya Ami!" Usagi hugged her goodbye and left the Library to catch a cab back to her apartment.

Once there she went to work. Checking her cabinets she couldn't find any plastic wrap. She checked a couple of other places in the apartment (there is no telling where Usagi sets stuff down when she's done), finding none she tries to come up with an alternate plan with what she has there at the apartment.

* * *

Mamoru returned home that night late. Instead of his shift ending at nine like it had been, it was well past midnight. It was an extra long day but he got to assist on a very difficult surgery. Tiredly he put his keys in the door and pushed it open. Tiptoeing through the house he silently ate a bowl of cereal before heading to the bathroom and brushing his teeth. He turned into his room to find his wife not in bed. Confused he left the room and returned to the living room and there on the couch was his wife dead asleep. Mamoru stared at her for a few minutes completely confused. Walking to his wife he started shaking her slightly.

"Usagi, Usagi wake up Hun, come on wake up." Usagi opened her eyes slightly and glared blearily at him for a moment. "Usagi, I am not going to ask you why you are wrapped in tinfoil, I am not sure I even want to know, but if it's to ward of alien mind control or abduction I would like to point out, as you are from the moon that maybe you shouldn't be so ambiguous towards outside visitors."

Usagi looked down at the mini dress that she has carefully crafted out of tinfoil when in lack of plastic wrap. Obviously, despite how much she tried to convince herself otherwise, that tinfoil is not a suitable replacement for such projects. Darn it, now she has to cut herself out of this outfit before going to bed. She can already feel the scratches forming along her skin.

* * *

Usagi spent the next morning cleaning up the apartment and debating whether or not to try one more time. Finally when there wasn't anything else to do at home she decided to go and see Rei. This was her last chance and she wanted to get started.

Usagi climbed the 679 steps that led up to the Hino Shinto Shrine. By the time she reached the top she was severely winded and sat down on the top step to catch her breath. 'Apparently I have lost some stamina since we quit fighting; I need to work out more!' When she got up and turned around Rei was waiting behind her in her traditional priestess robes of red and white.

"I have been waiting for you to come and talk to me. I talked to Makoto and Ami. They are worried about you, but I'm not."

Usagi squinted her eyes up at Rei. "You're not?" Rei shook her head before turning and walking in the Shrine. Just before she disappeared into the door way she stopped and motioned for Usagi to follow.

She jumped up quickly from her seat and followed Rei into the Shrine, through the visitor's part and into the family housing. "Even though I don't live here anymore Grandpa is keeps my room together, in case I need to, as he puts it, gets away from that idiot husband of mine. I have taken him up on it, but only once." Rei motioned for Usagi to sit on the end of the bed and sat down next to her.

"I am going to tell you something only three people know. Before Jadeite and I got married we had a time where I wasn't sure what to do to keep him happy. He, like many guys, jokingly hinted that two girls at once would be awesome. I didn't listen until we seemed to be in a slump. So to keep things interesting I let him act out this one fantasy ONE time. Now we only did it once, and it seemed to spark things back up"

Usagi sat staring at Rei for ten minutes before she found her voice, "It worked? It sparked something again?" Rei nodded. The room fell silent for a few minutes. "Who did you?"

"Who was the second girl? I will give you one guess."

Usagi nodded, "I figured. And she was cool with it? Does Jadeite bring it back up ever?"

Rei laughed, "If he looks like he is looking at her any longer than normal I set various parts of him on fire as I see fit. And he never brings it up and I know he never told anyone, not even the boys. Even if they are not together could you imagine what Kunzite would do to Jadeite if he ever found out that he slept with Minako? Oh God, it would be bad. In fact if I ever wanted to be out of the marriage I would tell Kunzite because then I would be a widow."

"Well I guess I have to go visit Minako next. Thank you Rei, and don't worry I won't tell anyone." Quickly giving Rei a hug Usagi left the Shrine and headed towards Minako's flat. At the door she had the door man buzz Minako, who instantly buzzed her up. Stepping into the elevator she nervously toyed with the hem of her blue tank top up all 23 floors. Minako, a well know idol in Japan, had the top penthouse. When the Elevator opened up Minako was waiting on the other side for Usagi.

"Hey Bunny! You just caught me; I have to leave in an hour for a quick photo shoot. Now what can I do for you?" Minako led Usagi to a plush white couch and offered her a glass of water.

Usagi took a deep breath, deciding to jump in head first and get it over with, "I know what you did for Rei and Jadeite before they got married and I need you to do the same thing for me." Minako blinked at Usagi.

"I'm sorry I don't know what you are talking about." Minako nervously started to turn her bottle in hands over and over again.

"It's okay Minako, Rei told me because I am having the same problem and I could use your help. Rei said it worked for her and I think it could work for me. Please?"

Minako shook her head, "Usagi it was different. They weren't married and you're the princess and he's the prince and he's going to be king. So he will be head of any militia type thing and I WILL be the head of the military so we will work close together and it will be awkward."

Usagi sat down on her knees in front of Minako, "Minako please, for me? I can't stand to lose him; I will do ANY thing to keep him. Anything."

Minako thought for a minute, and nodded, "For you Bunny I would do anything to. So when do you want me to come over?"

Usagi and Minako hammered out the plan and Usagi went home and Minako went to her photo shoot. After the photo shoot Minako made her way to Usagi's apartment. Usagi opened the door on the first knock and pulled Mina in side. "Okay I want you to wait in the bedroom. Mamoru called earlier and said he was going to grab himself a quick bite before coming home. It's an early night tonight and he will be home about eight. She and Minako made their way to the bedroom and Minako set about the room pulling taper candles and putting a soft jazz CD. By the time the room was ready it was late.

"Okay Mina I will go out and greet him and then bring him in here ok? Please wait here until we get here okay?" Minako nodded and sat herself on the edge of the bed. She had a silk yellow bathrobe on, with a lacey orange teddy underneath. Her travel clothes were in a bag underneath the cabinet in the kitchen so Mamoru wouldn't see them as he came in the apartment.

Usagi rushed into the living room as she heard the front door open. "Hey Mamo-chan" she called cheerfully. Mamoru glanced up at Usagi and split into a wide grin.

"Hey Usa-ko" He walked fully into the room and dropped his briefcase and coat on the couch and swept his wife into a long kiss. "Sorry I have been so spacey this week. I had a rough one at work. We had a 10 year old little boy with a tumor on his brain. We operated earlier this week and it was touch and go for a couple of days we he pulled through and is going to be fine!"

Usagi blushed, "So today was a good day then?"

Mamoru nodded, "Yes and now that I am not preoccupied I would like to grab a shower and give my beautiful wife some much deserved attention."

"You mean you aren't bored with our relationship? You were just tired and busy?"

Mamoru shook his head, "What are you talking about, how could I ever be bored with someone as great as you."

Usagi laughed, "Oh thank God. I was wondering, which is stupid, if I hadn't read that article I never would have even thought, Stupid magazine, that's the trouble with Cosmo, it just gets people in trouble."

"What are you talking about Usagi?"

"Heh heh, nothing, nothing at all, why don't you get your shower? I could sure use some Mamo-chan time."

"Sure thing let me just put this away in the room and grab some clean clothes." Mamoru made to walk across the room.

"Yeah that's goo… NO. I mean just leave them there and go and start the shower. Why don't we take it together? And besides you won't need clothes afterwards anyways. I'll grab the robes. Meet you there in 10 minutes!" Usagi pushed Mamoru towards the bathroom.

"I could question this behavior but I'm not going to. See you in a minute." He pressed a light kiss to her lips before disappearing into the bathroom.

Usagi whipped around and headed to the bedroom. "Ok Minako false alarm, time to go, he is in the shower and we will not need you tonight. Let's go let's go let's go!" Usagi grabbed her arm and started to pull Minako out of the room.

"Okay okay okay I am going. I am happy for you Usagi." Minako smiled brightly at her friend before grabbing her bag from under the sink and pulling her jeans on. She stuffed the robe in the bag and threw a tank top on. "At least the outfit won't go to waste. I think I might go down and see if Kunzite's home."

Usagi nodded and pushed her out of the door. 'And now for my happy ending.' She thought as she started to the bathroom, pulling off clothes as she went...

* * *

Thirty minutes later a relaxed Mamoru and Usagi made their way to the bedroom. The smell of smoke reached their noses. "Is there a fire?" Mamoru asked. Usagi gasped and slapped her forehead.

"OH NO THE CANDLES"

The End

Ok I hope you like it. Leave a review if you feel like it please!

Thanks; Always; Aphrodite


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